Picture yourself as you are.
Now picture your whole family around you.
Maybe you have anxieties, you are as not as social as everyone else? maybe you like to spend your time away from others if you can help it? you stay up in your own space because its what you enjoy. talking to your friends in a way that feels comfortable and normal to you.
I want to tell my story from when my life changed to what it is today. Not as a sob story but maybe to help some people who are like me to take a stand for what is right.
I was born in heybridge, Essex. Into a mother of only 18, not ready for a child. As much as my father loved me, he himself was not proud of what he had done at such a young age and left my mother. I was raised by my grandparents for 2 years of my life while my mum stayed homeless and slept where ever she could, visiting me from time to time. we finally got an apartment closely to my grandparents but i still mainly lived with them. and by this point my brother had also come into the world. my mum didn't have enough money to keep our home and so we moved constantly, further an further away from where i was born. she spent so much time trying to find someone. constantly having men over it seemed like every week to me. and friends. one of my earliest memories is them cutting my hair and laughing as i screamed and cried. then my mother finally met someone she settled down a bit more. however this is where my life took a turn. within a month of this man living with us, we moved. 300miles from our apartment to his mothers house where we spent a good few months living as a "family" (me, my brother, my mum and "dad") in a single room he had as a kid.
we eventually got out own place that was so cheap and dangerous. i got into a new school and instantly had a bully by the name of lief. he purposefully made sure that to wind me up every day. i made the bestest friend ever and it was him that introduced me into gaming. we played ps1 and it introduced me into the games i love to this day and i spent so long playing games with him, constantly staying over.
He basically lived in the British equivalent of a slum but i didn't really care: 1. because i was used to it from my own house and 2. because he was my friend.
my mother ended up having 2 more children another boy and a girl, which is where my and my brother started to grow older and apart from one another. i still visited my grandparents but only yearly for a week so it was always exciting. By the age of about 7 i was basically forced to be independent, make my own lunches, walk to school by myself. to most people they would be fine but the place we lived in is notorious with the northern people as a dodgy place. but by the time i reached about year 5 (5th grade for Americans) i was pulled out of school to move yet again, since the state of our house was too dangerous for me and my siblings. i was literally rotting.
we moved about 8 miles away this time but still. i moved from my friends and my bestest friend. i started school almost instantly. 2 miles away from where my house. i had to walk all the way with only my brother. I made a few friends but also people who hated me. i remember being told to stay away from who everyone considered the hottest girl in class (she wasn't really just the most popular) because she "belonged" to another boy, the class ass hole.
I spent those two years of junior school as the joker but the lonley joker. the only friend i had was a girl who introduced me to Pokemon and various other anime at the time. but as i grew older i began to like the loneliness. it was nice to have a handful of friends and that's what i had when i went to high school. I wont give massive stories about high school but i will say that i had some great friends, but the bullies there where the people who shaped me into the wreck i am today. they threw food and water at us, constantly threatened us with violence. i wasn't good at dealing with at. my best friend at the time was confident and could keep up with them but i really couldn't, i followed him everywhere even into fighting against them.
I started to change. i was more anxious, i realised how much i over-think decisions and how bad anything could go for me. i went through a relationship with a girl twice that wrecked me for months. after the second time is where she changed, we could all see it. but i started getting rumors spread about me by her, which also caused her boyfriend to send me death threats. it didn't really stop but i just blocked it out because i had people who cared. I never did well on my exams. i failed the one thing i needed, maths. because of that my life has been and will be an upward struggle for a living. i managed to get into the 6th form there but i was instantly dropped out of everything because of the bad math grade. my high school never did help me re sit that exam. about 1 month in i had an injury that cut my shin down to the bone, i had to get internal stitches. i tried to go to college but i just couldn't. the one day i took off, they let me go. they phone up my mother and told me that i shouldn't bother coming in anymore.
This was all about 3 years ago. since then my life has been a roller coaster. i ended up being diagnosed with borderline depression because i was basically a parent to my disobedient siblings, i fed them, took them to school. looked after them. i had the weekends to myself, to see my friends, they were the best time of the week. i always felt so guilty. i was unemployed, i stayed in my room if i could and played games but it made me realise that as much as my parents and siblings said they loved me they didn't take the time to care or understand me. my anxiety was worse, i was always so tired and borderline depressed until i met
she showed me everything i was missing. someone who understood, someone who gave me friendship, affection and love without question or wanting anything in return. I spent so much time getting to know her, my grandparents came up that Easter to see us and asked me if i wanted to live with them (they had been trying to get me back down south for my entire life) so i did, i got to see the people who loved me. i got better. i got braces for my fucked up teeth, i got glasses for my awful eyesight.i was better. my parents HATED me for it. to them i was a possession, to be won. i remember in my "dads" own words he said to me "the only reason your mum is upset your moving in with them is because she know that your nan has won" it made me realise they didn't care. i lost a lot of people trying to do something that made me happy. my friends, my family i know some of them might be reading this, i just hope you realise there was a lot more the to my disappearance than i let on. it wasn't selfish...
I remember last year for my birthday i wanted to see
for my birthday and i was going to go for a steak dinner with my family, then go see my father but my mother told me that she already had plans and i was to drop it all for that. once i refused she told my brother and my "dad" and then i called them all, they told me how selfish i was for not letting them do this for me. how i was being an awful person. i spent my birthday how i wanted but it was still at the back of my mind. my parents never wished me a happy birthday, they also never sent me a present, it showed me who they are. it was around my birthday that i decided to leave Facebook, it also showed me how my friends really thought of me.
I got called selfish, a cunt and they all banded together to debunk my status i wrote before i left. I honestly thought they loved me but the things some of them said really showed me what it was like to be on the attacking end. I don't hate them. i just wish that we didn't leave each other on such a bad ending.
Now as some of you may know from
status' i have been on holiday for 2 weeks in Cyprus.
It was the worst experience i have had for a holiday. you may know that i was told that i should cheat on mama because i was on holiday. i was told to drink and "be a man" i was forced to interact with people i didn't know. forced to tan myself (by the way my skin doesn't tan it burns) and i was brought to the brink. I realise now that what i am and what my family wants are not the same people. I don't see wrong i'm being myself. but they do. i'm fighting it, because there is no other way. with mamas help i have decided that they only way to truly free myself, is to live alone. if you are dealing with something similar please do yourself a favour, find yourself an anchor. find someone who loves you for everything you do and everything you are. they are special and made for you more than you know. if you love them for the same reasons then you have someone who is one in a million and dont ever let them go, treat them like royalty because they truly deserve it.
"when people go through abuse they come out one of two ways. they come out the abuser, bitter and angry at the world, or they come out fighting against it, soft and not letting anyone else go through the same thing" -Mama mangle.